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Keeping Your Children Safe When Leaving an Abusive Situation

Author: Susheela Varky

If you or your children are in immediate danger, call 911. The Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Hotline is also available any time, day or night: call 800-838-8238 or you can chat or text with someone.

Leaving an abusive situation is hard enough on its own. When children are involved, it gets even more complicated. If you have not already, read Leaving Your Home Safely During Domestic Violence for guidance on your housing options. 

This guide focuses specifically on your children.

Should I take my children when leaving because of abuse? 

It depends. If you are scared that your abuser will hurt your children or use them to manipulate you, you may want to take them with you when leaving.

If you are thinking of leaving Virginia: If you believe that you or your children are in serious danger and a protective order is the right choice for you, try to get a protective order that allows you to leave Virginia with your children. If you don’t have a court order that allows you to leave Virginia without getting permission from the other parent, leaving the state with your children could harm your rights to your children in a future custody hearing.

These decisions are extremely difficult and depend on your unique situation. If you can, try to talk to a lawyer first.

What if my children do not want to leave?

This is a very hard situation. Trust your own judgment. Your job as a parent is to keep your children safe, and that means you make the decision, not them.

Even if your abuser has not harmed the children in the past, this may change if you are not there. Also, simply witnessing domestic violence may cause harm to children, affecting how they feel and how they relate to others.

Leaving a violent abuser may also make the abuser angry enough to cause harm to you and the children. If you are in an abusive situation, try to make a plan to leave safely, such as when the abuser is not home, and have a plan for where to go so the abuser cannot find you right away.

Will I lose custody if I report domestic violence?

This is a common concern. Reporting abuse does not automatically affect your custody rights. However, courts do look at whether you have taken steps to protect your children.

If the court believes you have allowed your children to be exposed to domestic violence, or that you have not taken steps to keep them safe, it may refer your case to Child Protective Services. In serious cases, a court could remove the children from your custody or issue other orders to protect them.

Leaving when you can do so safely shows the court that you are a protective parent. But later in a custody hearing, if you leave without a protective order or custody order that allows you to leave Virginia with your children, this could be held against you. Read more about getting a protective order.

Can a protective order help protect my children?

Yes. A protective order can decide who the children live with while the order is in effect, set rules for if and how the abuser may spend time with the children, order the abuser to pay temporary child support, and keep the abuser away from the children. Read more about getting a protective order.

There are also special Child Protective Orders that a JDR (Juvenile and Domestic Relations) District Court can issue. These can protect a child in other unsafe situations, such as child abuse, neglect, a parent not taking the child to school, using drugs in the child's presence, or allowing unsafe people in the home. You may petition for this kind of order yourself, or a CPS worker may do so.

Note: Sometimes a CPS worker may tell you to file the petition yourself. If you do not, the worker may tell the court that you are not acting as a protective parent.

Can a child get their own protective order?

Yes. A child or minor can request an Emergency Protective Order (EPO), which lasts 72 hours, from a magistrate on their own without a parent or legal guardian. A law enforcement officer may also request one on their behalf.

For other types of protective orders, the minor must either be emancipated, meaning a court has granted them the right to act as an adult even though they are under 18 years old, or the petition must be filed by a "next friend." A next friend may be a parent, guardian, relative, a court-appointed Guardian ad Litem (GAL), or another responsible adult who does not have a conflict of interest with the minor.

What about long-term custody and child support?

A protective order deals with temporary custody and/or child support for as long as that protective order lasts. 

If you are asking for custody, conditions for visitation, or support through your full Family Abuse protective order, the judge will want to know that you have also already filed (or at least already made your appointment to file) for these things at the Court Services Unit of the Juvenile and Domestic Relations (JDR) District Court before your final protective order hearing. Anything that is ordered in a protective order ends when the order expires, and the court will want to see that you are planning ahead.

For longer-term custody or child support, you will need to file separately. You may file for a custody order and child support through the Court Services Unit. If you are married, you may also file for spousal support.

When a judge makes decisions about custody, they focus on what is best for the child. This includes looking at any history of family abuse, sexual assault, child abuse, or acts of violence, force, or threat.

What if seeking child support feels dangerous?

You might be worried that contacting the state for child support will alert the abuser, but you can protect yourself. Tell your caseworker about your safety concerns. If you show evidence that contacting the other parent would create a dangerous situation, the Department of Social Services (DSS) or the Division of Child Support Enforcement (DCSE) will not contact them.

Evidence you can provide includes copies of protective orders, hospital or medical records, and records of convictions for assault against you or your children.

For help, contact the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Hotline: call 800-838-8238 or chat or text with someone.

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